Welcome to Facebook. If you're not already friends with a creepy stalker, one will be assigned to you.
Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly.
If 40 is the new 30 and 50 the new 40, why can't Thursday be the new Friday?
Wi-fi went down for 10 minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.
You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Pro tip: save business cards of people you don't like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write 'sorry' on the back and leave it on the windshield.
If you never try, you'll never know.
90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.
This was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus. Then I lost my job, as a bus driver.
Watch out for people who are always bragging about who they are. A lion will never have to tell you it's a lion.
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